I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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