Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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