i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
