Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
