I want to walk on stilts...naked
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Randomize
