fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
