I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
