Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
