I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
even my farts smell like vagina
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
