I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
ok first of all what the fuck
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
