No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
