She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
