i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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