If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
