I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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