omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
