what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
