carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
