In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
