my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
