thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you had me at cake vodka
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
