the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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