Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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