He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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