I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
