Can i not drive my cunt home
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
