You don't have asthma, your pregnant
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
