Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
