I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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