I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
