I want to make a zoo with you.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
