i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
