yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
