Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Everclear isn't food dammit
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
