my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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