i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize