My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
