so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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