did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
