Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
