Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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