I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
