I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
