i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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