Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
