I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
my shit smells like andre
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
