he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
