Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
