Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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