Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
