you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Actions speak louder than pants.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
